There are lots of changes coming soon to this website and I have decided to move my journal over to Medium, where I can write among a larger community and seperate my work as an artist from my political and domestic ideas. I am leaving all articles as they are for reference. The new jounral is here: Rowan Blair Colver's New Journal.
I asked myself an open question earlier today, “Do you think young people deliberately break boundaries with others because subconsciously they want to learn how to enforce their own?”
As children of course, our boundaries are handed to us by our parents, teachers, and guardians but when we begin to develop our own sense of identity and begin to interact with people who perhaps have different ideas of what boundaries are, we quickly find ourselves in conflict. It's really uncomfortable when we find ourselves in conflict, and resolutions can be difficult. Life isn't always fair, no matter how much we want it to be.
Somewhere in the mind of everyone is a niggle or a nag that needs resolution. If it's small, we can often work around it, but little things when left get bigger. A some point, we have to find a resolution. But how? We all can struggle with this, it's tender ground for most people. Getting a balance between consideration and assertion is paramount. Maybe when we're young, we do simply look for ways of dealing with our own boundary issues by replicating the situation somehow and gauging how other people respond.
A friend of mine made an excellent contribution to the idea, when they mentioned that many people with mental health conditions such as anxiety or PTSD not only do this but also crave attention. Usually when someone with mental health problems habitually breaks boundaries with people or fails to understand/care when they're hurting someone, it's termed a personality disorder. The spectrum of personality disorders can be diagnosed in varying degrees of severity and aspects of social life. The craving of attention is perhaps separate to this, and can be expressed in differing degrees to other symptoms. This is usually diagnosed as ADD.
Having thought about this, the mental health conditions mentioned such as anxiety and PTSD that can cause issues with upsetting other people's boundaries are usually separate but not necessarily unrelated phenomena. Breaking boundaries habitually or craving love and affection are not direct symptoms to either condition however can be related due to the manner in which the condition was acquired. A soldier from a war suffering with PTSD may not necessarily crave validation from anyone and may only break societal boundaries when in crisis, which in medical emergency terms cannot be considered usual behaviour. Anxiety is similar, it is having a strong sense of fear that means we have anxiety. The basis of this fear is usually pre-learned through continual exposure to frightening situations. Again, this does not necessarily lead to breaking people's boundaries or craving attention.
What may be the case is that in the manner of childhood trauma, the lessons learned on a foundational level make it difficult to mature past particular thinking. We get stuck in adolescence in one or more facets of our mental lives because of serious blockages in our learned thinking. Unlearning something deeply embedded in our subconscious takes many years of purposeful re-thinking. It's extremely difficult to achieve even small progress. This is why child abuse is so insidious in nature.
So the reasons behind why young people push other people's buttons are probably quite varied, but the main reason is that they are young. Maybe we need to lighten up a bit as adults, and remember that in psychological terms, we're much bigger than they are even when they are as physically tall as us.
Sometimes I set targets that I don't manage. I appreciate that they may seem small or strange so I rarely talk about my plans. I also of course need to keep a few trade secrets close to heart so that I can continue to provide fresh ideas and content. If I told you what I was going to write about yesterday then you'd not be reading this now. Likely anyway.
I chose a self-employment route because I can have difficulty with mental health. Depression and anxiety are funny things and can manifest in awkward ways. I also have a vivid imagination that often runs away with itself, which the doctors call psychosis. I'm not mad, just a bit eccentric and prone to delusion. I think we all are to some extent.
Part of being in control of my life means taking care of my mental health, and for me the application of pressure causes an imbalance of stress. It is as if there is part of me that is raw and sensitive, and any time it gets pressed it complains. It can make my life really hard, and yes it is all in my head, but no, it doesn't mean it's not real. To me, the feelings and sensations that come alongside the delusional and depressive episodes are very real. Imagine if you won a first prize, imagine your happiness. That would be real happiness, and for mental health problems it feels like these extraordinary situations but often in reverse.
So when I set myself targets, I remember that it's just a template. I feel like I let myself down sometimes, when I don't make an effort, so I try everyday. Trying doesn't always mean succeeding however, and although I may get a few good ideas or a lead for an article, I have to actually see it all through. There's the research side of work that goes on behind the scenes. I'm forever researching, and also learning how to apply it more in my writing. The internet loves links.
Being a person who has to juggle mental health with everything else, I know the importance of not feeling guilty about not matching up to regular expectations. We do our bes and maybe we fall sort from time to time but the energy required to stay focussed and able, to stay emotionally balanced, can sometimes be a job all on its own. I get that, and want to communicate the importance of just doing what you can.
I want to bring the theme back to politics just for a short while, because I feel that it is important to speak about this matter. I am not a home owner, but it is the home owners who are standing at risk in this general election 2017. With the Conservative Party offering a way of paying for elderly care by seizing their property after they die, I just can't justify not speaking up. I don't know if you know what the definition of communism is? Well for those who don't know, it's when the state owns everything. Setting out plans to take legal ownership of people's homes in order to pay for their elderly care is definitely one step in the direction of this cold war nightmare.
I thought that once we had paid for something, it was ours. Maybe we want to sell the house to pay for elderly care, but that is up to us, surely? The government can't just walk along and say “Well, that's a nice 120K house, we'll have that”. Not in Britain? Theresa May seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable idea. In my humble opinion, that would be considered theft. Perhaps we should call it the "Burglar Bill".
However, seeing as they've stripped the poorest of their rights recently, perhaps it's only fair that the other half get to feel the pinch that they've been quite happy to deliver to the most vulnerable over the past near decade. My bedroom tax wont pay itself, you know? But no, let's be realistic. As much as a taste of your own medicine sounds nice, it's definitely nasty and that's why I never vote for the nasty party.
Maybe those who thought that Labour couldn't match up to the needs of the nation can be asked to think again. I'm seeing strong and positive manifestos from Labour, Liberal Democrats, and the Greens this year. Which ever way you go, do you want to hand the deeds of your hard earned home to the government, free of charge, or would you rather pay for an extra pint or two of milk a week in the tax bill, if you can afford it? I'd like the milk please.
If, like me, you're climbing up the ladder of life at a suitable pace, a little over the leisurely quotient in order to actually achieve something worth while, then we need to consider training. I learned this quite quickly on, but the one thing that struck me as significant is a particular confidence in my skills that prevented me from going over the basics. As soon as I went over the basics, I at first found it stressful and a little painful in places but I improved immensely. This is a major factor in the work of a creative mind, the notion of stifling creativity in order to achieve greater potential to create.
It's difficult to do, and feels very counter intuitive, but if I hadn't have taken the courses I took part in, and read those extra articles and blogs, then my skills would be less effective in the real world. Imagine a tree that is growing up. It has one stem and the top of it has a bunch of leaves growing in a few directions. The tree has total freedom, but it's spindly and weak. A squirrel could come along any day and nibble a piece off and do some damage. It has to grow, and as it shoots up a couple of new branches, the freedom is severely reduced.
The tree made a choice, it detected where the most light was coming from, calculated the most efficient position to establish growth, and then began to grow. This was a mechanical decision based on complex bio-chemical processes, but as soon as the choice was made, it sacrificed much of its freedom in return for better establishment and better protection from the forces of nature. For a while, the tree has to deal with the consequences of only having one or two areas of growth. This could be like education, we limit what we can do by learning what the best thing to do is. Once we master our given skills, we can then begin to use them in novel ways.
The tree, once grown into two or three branches, has achieved greater height and thickness. Now it's not so fragile, and at the top of these new shoots, a fresh freedom is given but this time even higher and more spaced out. The tree has achieved greater freedom over time by initially sacrificing it in order to grow. This is exactly what happens with us, when we re-learn or learn for the first time, ways of doing what we need to do in order to succeed.
If you're interested, I currently study with Shaw Academy and Udemy. They're both different styles of teaching, which I enjoy. I've been with them both for a year now, and plan to continue learning from them for the foreseeable future. KEY=Keep Educating Yourself.
The theoretical question as to why time only flows in one direction to me seems absurd. To discover that great minds and philosophers have written extensively on it, puts me in strange shoes. I guess that if time were to be reversable in a natural way then everyone would be affected even if only one person went through.
The grandfather paradox is the name for when we create a situation in which we couldn't be born. The notion that there is some explainable reason as to why time only flows forwards and at the same speed for all of us, is because it's made up. Time is just a method we use to break our routines into managable and predictable increments. I think we got so far into the world of theory, so anal(istic), that we forgot about that little bit.
If we used gravity to form a time loop, the theoretical method of producing a time machine, then information stored in individual particles could be sent to the time when the device is switched on from any future time. This would cause a cascade of information, a chaotic download of everything until someone switches it off, likely within moments of the overload, thus stopping the future use of the machine and the overload to begin with, creating another pardox. What happens to all that information?
Heavy duty thinking, maybe I'm just not the type of person to fully grasp theortical physics.
It was around one year ago that I encountered a young man dressed in the clothes associated with terrorism and a cover picture with white arabic writing against a black background. I can't read arabic, it probably was a spoof. However, this kid was asking for trouble, and by the looks of it, was asking me for help. Why else like my posts dressed like my mortal enemy? Attention. So I wrote a nice little poem about why people are afraid to look at the truth and in the process of hiding from our hurts we hurt others. I am sure many of this guys real life friends and family all chipped in, but we guided him to the light. It was a few months later when the psychological consequences of this instance crumbled on top of me. I had a nervous breakdown, and began seeing things and imagining things that my brain was convinced were true. I knew that I was ill so I went to a doctor. The doctor prescribed me antipsychotics and antidepressants which I still take today and they help me a great deal. Fresh air and meditation simply wasn't going to work on its own. Because of my questionable mental health, I was investigated by social services in regards to my ability to care for my disabled child. I was very angry and after three months of limited access I lost my nerve and wrote a commanding letter instructing them as to my rights of law and the fact they are breaking them. There was no actual evidence that I was unable to care for any child. So, they allowed me to have my parental rights back. Only a few weeks after this, I was met with a homeless person outside my home. I offered them a room for the night, and they took illegal drugs. Thinking that the best thing was to just ignore it and let them go the next day, I made a mistake. I was too soft. Easy target, so she came back later at night the following day. I didn't have any children with me and I was put on the spot, so I reluctantly allowed her to stay again. In my mind, I was planning my conversation that would put an end to her sponging. It's difficult for me to be assertive. Day three and this woman appeared again in a very dominating mood. She began doing what she liked in my home after inviting herself in, and then began telling me what to do. I decided to tell her there and then that I was not to be ordered around and she was to mind her manners. She flipped and insulted me, called me names and said my home was a dump. She then said she was going to get me beaten up if I didn't give her my money. i only had ten pounds and because I was afraid, I gave it to her. This was a deliberate mugging in my own home. Because of this, I have again been banned from my daughter, not by social services who said I was a fine dad, but because her mother thinks I am unsafe. I do not believe she would be saying this unless I had already been investigated. As you can see, because of this series of events, I am now not able to see my child, who I have looked after every week for twelve years. It hurts to be in this position, she has Easter eggs waiting for her, I am waiting for the phone call to take back the insults and to invite me to be a dad again, but I don't know when that will be. I miss her.
I'm well out to sea with everything I planned to do recently, and it's a time of growth and continuation of direction for the foreseeable future. Being open and generous is something I have always done and it suits me to ask this of myself. Occasionally I do find myself asking why I do this, especially when digesting pages of academic and high brow writing in order to regurgitate an easy read for Subway Scene, or when I'm dealing with people who rub me up the wrong way while I'm doing the rounds. But then I remember that for what ever reason, my life path has put me in this situation.
I have tried other situations, and done okay in them for a while, but for some reason or other I've always been fairly independent and self reliant. It's been suggested recently that I have Asperger's syndrome, which is a form of high functioning autism that affects the way we feel the world. This makes perfect sense to me and would explain why despite everything being generally okay, I struggle to fall into line when it comes to the regular expectations.
That's why I do what I do, because I desire to be an active part of the community, a useful member of society, and I want to spend the best years I have doing something with my life that I can recount in the not so better years. Plus I want to earn money, of course, as we all do, and for me doing writing and blogging as a job is a bit of a gamble. Saying that, if I were to spend my time playing play station then I wouldn't even have a chance. At least this way I can build on something every day and with learned skills and applied knowledge, find myself in a good position.
I was authoring as a main job before I began writing blogs. However, when I was told I had to start work, knowing that in previous times when working for others I had great difficultly and became ill in one way or another, I chose to become self employed as an artist and content writer. Rather than looking for work as these things, I was fairly confident that I could do it for myself. As long as I work a full week with intention to earn money, I am able to claim the money I need to pay my rent and a little bit for food and bills. So that is what I do, and I'm really enjoying being a productive individual and using my energy for the good of so many.
After finding myself in front of a huge online audience, which is growing all the time, I knew that what I was to write about had to be of value. I didn't want to waste everyone's time with something that could be found anywhere. I had a desire to be of real use and so Alternative Fruit became an avenue for this. I've worked extremely hard over the past year or two to get the service up to a professional standard. It's true that when I read my old write-ups, I notice that I write much better now. It's the same when I go through the archives of this blog. I'm always getting better, which is to be expected.
The empowering and encouraging message of the Alternative Fruit site has really taken hold and begun to grow into a firm and fair site that offers a continually growing multi faceted media resource. The work done is methodical and great care is taken in choosing sources and resources to fuse the original ideas and writing that I put there. Being the one to put in the hours for everyone to read is a challenging job at times, the ads are there in the hope that someone buys something, and that way I get paid. I know that most people who use the ads do so because they like me and want me to do well, and that's a nice thought to bear in mind.
Having ploughed through several sociology books for Subway Scene, I've grown a lot more wise to the world of social science, as I hope you all have too. It had always been a burning question, “why don't people like me?” and to be honest, most people do, but my mind is one of those minds that finds a negative aspect and clings to it like a toddler clinging to its mother's leg. I went about answering that question in an abstract way, that involves the concept of alternative art movements. Knowing that I have a multicultural readership, I wanted to include everyone and so that angle for the blog was ideal. I have noticed a lack of feedback in that area, and I notice the most feedback in poetry, so I need to address the desires of the readers, as well as doing what I feel is right for me. This of course will be more write-ups about various interesting topics that take my fancy at the time. Perhaps it's time to move on from society and find something else to study. Let me know what you think of course. I'm happy to take suggestions.
There are spiritual liars, people who insist that abuse, belittling, and simply lying to a person is perfectly acceptable if it gains an eventual response of standing up. That being, a peron will deliberately abuse someone because they think that this person needs to be abused in order to learn some kind of lesson. Stealing a watch and selling it back to you, as the charlatan Alan Watts once said. He was all for this kind of disgusting behaviour. As a man who cheated on lovers and caused unbearable suffering to those who loved him. it's only fair to say ignore anything that comes out of his twisted mouth. Claiming that we were once the evil gleam in our father's eye just goes to show what kind of sick man he was, sexualised and immoral. The main meesage of his work is to disconnect with feeling for others and to just look after yourself. I've gone into great depths in his opus and found nothing of value apart from seething anger. I may be wrong about him, but I tand by my feelings on the matter. Of course there is wisdom in there somewhere but it's laced with his unique flaws.
A lot of suffering and needless anguish is caused by fake spiritual teachers who lack basic human decency and empathy, who are prepared to hurt and cause outbursts of unpleasant emotion. All they serve to teach is that people are evil and will lie and twist in order to get some kind of kick. I don't understnad the kick that a lot of people talk about. Perhaps it's something to do with my mental health problems, but there's nothing cool about being smarter, or knowing something and holding it back, or even just assuming spiritual dominance over someone. I feel cool when I'm earning money for myself and eating well.
Percpetions make huge differences to what we can do, what we feel comfortable doing, and what we find morally acceptable. Many spiritual teachers lack basic understanding of this, and will hurt people's feelings in the name of teaching. Hey teacher, leave those kids alone. Hey spiritual man, stop laughing at others who don't have as much self love as you have. It's hard to love ourselves, anyone with a conscience will tell you that self love is one of the most difficult things to have. The only right way to spiritually teach is to promote self love and self compassion, and to stop twisting perceptions of abuse and theft, perceptions of belittling and a bullying attitude, and start being gentle, kind, and understanding.
I'm one of those people who the television is required to warn about disturbing images. I'm easily upset, and often acted drama makes it even worse. Being exposed to the inner dynamics of upsetting and distressing situations for me is like, well, just that, and it's not entertaining. It feels like emotional abuse to me.
Sometimes things don't have warning when they really should. Things like soap operas, comedy, and dramatisations often have content that triggers intense unwanted emotions for me. With soap opera, its generally arguments, judgements in which people call each other names, and discuss other people and why they're not good. I'm given comparisons to myself with other men. I just feel assaulted by a polygon of reasons to feel rubbish about myself. With comedy, the comedian often laughs at people in cruel and horrible ways, they pick on members of the audience which makes me angry, and the audience seem to be so intimidated by the insults and bullying that they sheepishly laugh at themselves in a self humiliating acceptance of the abuse. It makes me so sad to see. With dramatisations, it's simply the plot lines and the story that disturbs me, the things people do to each other and the way they treat each other really turns my stomach.
And what I fear the most is that these subhuman behaviours are replicated in real life because a lot of people seem to enjoy these shows. It makes me fearful to go outside sometimes, and if I am unlucky enough to catch something horrible, like in a film or something late at night, then it can keep me awake all night. Not the memory, not the story, but the feeling it put into me. Next time you hear the T.V warn you about the content, remember that for some people, it's needed. I'm one of them. I'm actually proud to not be desensitised to what I consider a sick and twisted version of reality, or the perhaps even sicker notion of finding pleasure in watching the suffering of others.
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